


Nobody

by Heavydirtys0ul, things-we-used-tc-share (Heavydirtys0ul)



Series: Wasteland, Baby! [20]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Compulsive lying, Depression, M/M, This is kinda melancholy, Virgil is trying to be the best brother he can be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 17:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20531759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/Heavydirtys0ul, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/things-we-used-tc-share
Summary: Love always comes at a price. Roman had been taught this but never learned it. Emile is learning this the hard way. Virgil is taking his time with processing it. Damian never wants to have to face it again.





	1. I'd be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for this entire section by chapter:
> 
> Chapter One: Bad relationships, compulsive lying. 
> 
> Chapter Two: Mental breakdowns, discussions of mental health issues/ self harm/ self destructive tendancies/ facing the fact that your best isn't always good enough. It's not as dark as it sounds but if you're easily upset by these things then there will be a little summary at the end that just sums up everything that happens. The second part focuses and climaxes Remy's storyline just in time for the main storyline to start hitting. 
> 
> Angst with a happy ending.

_"And on the other side,_

_Why should we deny the truth?_

_We could have less to worry about,_

_Honey I won't lie to you,"_

_-Nobody, Hozier_

* * *

**_Roughly 175 years ago_. **

Roman flicks a stone up a tree with a light hum on his lips as he stares up through the clearing into the clouds that float above. The grass brushes against his wings as he leans back on his hands again, grinning as he hears the sound of footsteps. "You're late," A light snort echoes against the otherwise silent day, as another pair of wings brush against his own and make him shiver just a little. "Too busy for me?" He teases through a grin as he leans to kiss his partner sweetly. A deep laugh rolls off his ears, _such a sweet sound,_ he muses to himself, _I don't think I'll ever tire of it_.

Damian pushes his hair out of his eyes and holds out a hand invitingly as Roman takes the usual hint and clambers into his partner's lap "Only as busy as the season dictates," Roman rolls his eyes a little and silences the Faery with a warm kiss, his hands cupping the smooth cheeks as his thumb brushes against soft skin in a soothing way. The Autumn Faery smiles a little, parting his lips for the other as his hands trace rose petals along Roman's flowering arms. "You are as easy to read as a book," He laughs softly. 

"And you're as good at flirting as a rock," Is the retort he gets back. They both grin and laugh between soft kisses, content and happy, convinced they are to be together forever.

\--

** _Ten years later_ **

"I can't lie," Damian sighs a little, holding his hands up in defence "I haven't been lying," Roman's eyes glare up at his partner with a fury that the Prince had never seen before, a low and almost feral growl ripping from his throat "Roman you are overreacting, I did _not_ lie," 

Roman knows better, he knows that Dee didn't _functionally_ lie but he's also getting so used to reading between the lines that a lie and bending the truth are the same thing. The same thing when you trust someone not to do that to you. He doesn't know why his partner keeps doing this, winding the truth around his finger and pulling it in every which direction until he can pull it to his own truth. This is the ninety-third time now, and each time Roman forgives him, today he isn't going to.

"You get to say those words with such ease because you are convinced that bending the truth is not as bad!" The Spring Faery is a picture of sheer anger, thorns breaking through his skin as his hands ball up in pain and melancholia. If he had been a Weather Spirit, the whole town next to this forest would have drowned in that fearsome fright by now. "You did, you always do and then you say it is not lying because we get to use that excuse and I bite my tongue, but I am no mortal Damian and I do _not_ fall for such tricks as easily," 

"Roman, I..." He chokes a little and Roman's face goes from angry to heartbreak in a moment. "I am..."

Roman shakes his head "Even you can't convince yourself that you are sorry," He muttered, shaking his head. "Go home Damian, go and do your job or whatever else it is you are doing, I do not...I _cannot_ care, just never return on the _condition_ that if you are the same as you are now I do not want you in my life," He couldn't ask anyone to change for him, but he can make a change for himself at least "Sort out what you need to, if it takes you a decade or a century, but do not _dare_ to come back until you are worthy of me," His words come out as a hiss. Roman is a lot of things, a man that doesn't know his own worth is not one of them. 

\--

** _Present_ **

_He did come back eventually_, Roman thinks to himself, now. It had taken a century and until now he hadn't heard from him since, he'd committed to his life in solitude; but there is nothing like a reckless young man with anger problems to bring Damian out of hiding. He's not worried about Remy being with Damian, out of all of the other Faeries he trusts Damian not to harm Remy the way that some of them are capable of doing; he might say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing but the man Roman had thought he'd loved so long ago wasn't the man that was here now.

The same way that Roman was not the brash and self-centred idiot he was then. At least, not _as_ brash or self-centred. 

But seeing the Prince again had managed to bring up some much more fonder memories too, of a variety of natures. At the beginning everything had been so nice but like most bad decisions they went sour after a while, it didn't scar him or leave him traumatised or anything of the nature, it simply made him a little more wary of letting people into his heart. And then he met Virgil, so really trying to teach Roman a lesson is like trying to teach a baby how to read except it spans over a few _centuries_ instead of a couple of years.

Virgil who, currently, hasn't moved from the bed in two hours because he's so lost in his own fears. There's no kind words or actions or distractions that Roman can offer him when he's like this, so the three of them had all curled up beside him to keep him in silent company until Roman had found himself wrapped up in old memories for the first time in a long, _long_ time. Logan and Patton had both fallen asleep.

But even as the Witch looked pained and upset at the ceiling Roman knows, he's known since the day he first realised he loved Virgil, that he loves him more than most things in the world; that he loves him more than he'd ever loved a person before. Even when Roman can't help him or assist him the prince still feels and knows that Virgil loves him. And he hopes to anything that Virgil knows that he loves him too as he rests their hands together. A reminder and comfort that he isn't alone with his thoughts in this dark time. 

When, an hour later, Virgil finally stirs a little with pale cheeks and a whisper of "How long?" on his lips, Roman offers him a smile and a glass of water and helps him out of bed to go to prepare some food. It had been six hours since the Witch had fallen into his daze, and Virgil isn't happy to hear that at all. "I'm sorry it's just...he's never been away from me for this long and I'm worried, I...I don't know what to do," The Faery hugs his partner close and presses a kiss to his shoulder.

"It will all be okay," He whispers and it is not a lie, because he believes it. Because he knows Remy and he knows how much he loves his brother, because he knows how hard he would try for the people he loves, and because (and this is the mostly) if there's anything that firecracker of a boy is, it's stubborn, and he would cheat death if given the chance. "He is safe, and he will return home a little better and a little happier than he was, not perfect, but _better_," He won't lie and he certainly will never bend the truth, not to Virgil and not to anyone he loves.

So perhaps he did learn a lesson after all.


	2. I wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remy really misses his friends, he misses his brother, he even misses Roman annoying him.

_"I'd be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint_   
_I wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave_   
_But I want you to know that I've had no love like your love,"_

_-Nobody, Hozier_

* * *

Remy had been a little out of it for the past few days, Dee notes to himself with a little bit of worry. He’d tried to ask the Witch if he was okay but only received a blank stare in response; like he was too exhausted to speak, or simply didn’t want too. He hates to admit that the more he worries about the younger the greater his attachment to him seems to grow. If Emile had been there, he’d have laughed and said, “Join the club,” it’s as if there is something so inherently…_Remy _about making people panic about his wellbeing. The Witch in question, had he been able to make any sort of joke, would have laughed at them both and told them to get on with their lives.

On the fourth day he comes back and passes straight out onto Dee’s bed with a look in his eyes that said he was near to bursting into tears. Therapy can be intensive for an average person, but this sort of therapy…it takes apart your brain piece by piece to find a problem. Dee informs the councillor that Remy will be taking a day off tomorrow.

The break seems to serve him something well as he’s given breakfast in bed and this is accompanied with a kiss and Dee’s quiet conversation. “Are you okay?” Remy looks at him like this is the hardest question he’d ever been offered, his eyes full of agony, his lips pressed into a firm line, his entire body tensed and poised as if he’d been attacked.

“It’s hard,” He says finally. He looks away.

“I know,” He does.

They sit in silence and eat as the Witch rests his head against his friend’s shoulder and watches the silence of the room, thinking of all the things the past few days have offered up to him. 

Remy is unused to expressing his emotions, he’s certainly unused to people seeing his emotions. He knows the root cause of this issue but after everything his brother has done for him can he really look Virgil in the eyes and tell him this is his fault? That this is what he raised him to be? He doesn’t _blame_ Virgil and he can honestly say that, but it would a sore mistake not to acknowledge how he got to be like this; he’s thankful for his brother and he wouldn’t be alive without him, he did his best and nothing less, but until he says what’s on his mind he’s always going to have to carry this guilt and repression. He’d only ever wanted to make Virgil proud and surely he’s at an age where he should be making himself proud but Remy doesn’t know how to do that and he doesn’t know how to explain to his brother that he needs him.

He needs him.

Virgil had guided him his entire life and then left him to figure the rest out once he realized he could actually have his own life. Remy is still trying to find his footing in an otherwise disappointing life and he doesn’t know how to cope, he doesn’t know how to _cope_ he doesn’t **_know. _**With that last thought, the Witch bursts into tears in a way he hadn’t since he was a child; the sort of cry a toddler gives when they need a hug from their mum, something that Remy never got. He cries with a heartbroken chest and shaking shoulders, red cheeks, eyes ringed and lungs heaving. Dee’s hand rests against his arm, a look between fear and pity in those autumn eyes.

Remy leans against him with a crack between his mind and his throat, knowing what he wants to say but having no idea how to say it. He really needs a hug. That feeling that your body is deteriorating and only a little bit of warmth and kindness can replace the rotting skin and aching bones. He likes Dee, he does, but he wants his big brother, nothing is ever quite as comforting as the person who raised you telling you everything is going to be okay because so far he's been right, Remy is still alive, _right?_

There’s no love like family. Someone who has been there since the day you were born and may even be lucky enough to outlive you all together. With the way Remy is heading that reality is a genuine and terrifying thing for Virgil.

And then Emile; sweet and kind and caring Emile, a different sort of love altogether but still would willingly fall for someone who for years has been a ticking time bomb. He could never fall for anyone else even when he tried so hard. It was no secret to anyone who knew Remy that he was a cocktail of anger management issues and a cold hole of depression and no amount of love could fix someone like that, nothing Emile did could ever fix Remy and at some point he gave up trying. He simply accepted that his partner was never going to be anything short of a train wreck and loved him anyway.

“I want to go home,” Remy whispered, voice sore “I need my friends, I need…I’m sorry,” He doesn’t even sound like himself, or at least not the _himself_ he’s used to showing people. What is he without his bubbly and mischievous façade except an actual person who feels things?

“Don’t apologise dear,” Dee replies gently, pressing a kiss to the top of his friend’s head. “We’ll get you home,”

He gets it now, really, as Remy looks at him with this scared expression. He understands why Emile was screaming in the forest that day and the look in Virgil’s eyes when his brother had walked away. He’s seen those looks before on his own face but a long time ago, he’s seen them on Roman’s too long before these creatures were even thought of. Remy attracts so much trouble that he is a magnet for heartbreak. Anyone brave enough to love him is also brave enough to watch him torture himself with lies.

Absently, he also wonders how Roman is managing to go through this again in a different way. 

\--

Virgil is ecstatic to see his brother, the moment Remy practically falls into his arms he's hit protective mother mode and asks for some time alone with him, half carrying him to their home. Emile waits patiently, but everyone else can see the way he fidgets, scratching his arms, pacing, staring around at anything and everything until Damian finally pities him and rests a hand on his shoulder. "Breathe, it's good for you," The young Witch smiles softly in response and leans into the comfort as Roman nuzzles against him in a universal Roman way of saying 'everything's going to be okay'. 

Remy looks exhausted, bags under his eyes and his hair messy as he flops onto the bed and stares at the ceiling for a moment. "Are you okay?" Virgil asks cautiously. His brother opens his mouth and then closes it again. He knows what he'd usually say and what he'd usually do; shrug and say he's alright, but he's not, he's so very clearly_ not_ okay that it's almost pitiful. The feline Witch takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, trying to regulate his own breathing. 

"Not really," He finally mutters, dragging his body to sit up as he stares around the room at anything but Virgil. "They literally see inside your mind and try to take it apart to solve a problem, and well, I already knew the problem I just didn't want to face it," The dark haired man wipes his eyes and sighs such a heavy sigh that Virgil can almost see the weight of his sadness resting on his shoulders. "It's you," He muttered "I love you Virgil, I do, I'm so thankful for everything you've done for me," There's a 'but,' the Witch can feel it in his hesitance but he needs Remy to keep talking so he nods. "It's not your fault, you were just a teenager and you did your best and you tried your best, I know you did," 

"Say what you need to say Remy, I'm not going to be upset," He _is_, but not with Remy. 

"You raised me to believe that there's no trust or love in the world, you raised me to be scared of it because of how our parents treated you, you kept us both isolated and afraid of falling in love and then you met Roman and left me on my own," Virgil's blood feels a little cold "And I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore but I still couldn't just let people close, except you were barely around for months and months, disappearing before I'd even woken up in the morning," The younger scratches at his wrist lightly, nervously, even now still craving the little hit of uncontrolled self-control. "I was alone with no idea who I was supposed to be, how to make you proud, and then I was furious with you because you taught me that love only comes with pain and then you went and fell in love, leaving me alone, you were the only person I'd ever loved and then you left me," He's crying again "I didn't even know what I was doing at first I was just getting angry and setting things on fire, but then I just got addicted to the power I guess, exhausting myself, hurting myself it made me feel stronger," Then Emile, then he'd met Emile. He'd barely interacted with anyone but he'd gotten burned so badly he'd practically fallen into the doctor's house with half of his face scarred and blood staining his skin. "Then suddenly there was Emile and I wanted so badly to love him but I had no idea how to _do_ that," He digs his nails into his palm "So I just kept using the only excuse I had, except he started to understand what was happening and started getting upset and I didn't want him to be upset but I didn't know how to stop," For years, that backward and forwards. He chokes on his tears and wipes them away furiously "And now there's nothing left of who I could have been," 

Virgil doesn't know what to say or how to say it. He hadn't even realised; well, of course he'd known and regrets the way he'd raised Remy, at the time he thought he'd been doing him a favour but now...now all he has is his regret and a broken heart. "I'm so sorry," He whispers numbly, his hands shaking as his lips open and close wondering what to say, if there's anything he can ever say to fix _that_. 

"I know," Perhaps that's the worst part. The Witch knows his brother had always had the best intentions and it hurts to have to tell him what he'd done. Virgil isn't a bad person and he can _never_ think of his brother as a bad person. "I know you didn't mean to do this but apparently talking about my feelings helps, who would've thought?" He gives a teary laugh and shakes his head "I love you so much Virgil and I don't want to hurt you or Emile, you all mean the world to me," He bites at his bottom lip "I've never admired someone as much as I admire you but I needed to get it off my chest because the longer I keep pretending that everything is fine the harder it's becoming to control myself, I'm too used to repressing my emotions," He looks down at his hands "And this thing they're doing to me and the magic that they're using it's forcing a lot to the surface that I didn't even realise was buried until now, if don't talk about it then it's only going to get worse,"

"I understand," Virgil squeezes Remy's hands into his own "I love you Remy, and I'm sorry I wasn't there enough for you, I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention," He wraps his arms around his little brother and lets him sink against him "I'm here now and anything I can do I will do, and I'm proud of you despite everything you might not be proud of, I'm proud of you for keeping going," He mutters, pulling away to hold his hands tightly in his own "And I'm glad you're finally talking about the things that are troubling you," 

Remy gives him a smile, and for once it doesn't feel like a half-truth, as a wave of content and happiness runs through him. 

\--

Virgil, Roman, Patton, Logan and Dee leave to give Remy and Emile some space. 

Emile spends half an hour hugging Remy and refusing to let go and Remy actually tears up after a few minutes because he realises too fast and yet not fast enough that he never wants his partner to let go. This was the hug he'd been craving, the hug that makes your entire body feel healed and your soul piece itself back together, Emile was never anything short of a healer but the other Witch had not quite expected that need to fix things to come in such a soft and warm form. He buries his face against Emile's shoulder and breathes as best as he can. "I'm so sorry," He sighs after a while "I'm so sorry I let it get this far," 

"No," Emile said firmly, pulling back to cup his partner's face in his hands "It's not your fault, you're getting better and that's all that matters," He kisses Remy sweetly "Plus it's not like I went into this blind, I knew it was going to be hard and...honestly Remy I love you too much to be angry or upset, I can't blame you when I made my own choice and my own decision," Some part of him knows that he'd never be able to love someone who wasn't a little difficult. There's never a boring moment at the very least. "You're smiling," He comments after a long pause. 

"I love you," The feline Witch admits softly "I don't think I've ever really, _really_ loved someone but I love _you_, I love you so much Emile and there's nothing in the world that can change that and...you've just always been there, it wasn't even a sudden thing you were just...always there," He rests their foreheads together, tears brimming in his eyes "I wish I told you more often," He squeezes his hands "But it's hard to stop finding the idea of being honest...o-of trusting someone...scary," He laughs through his tears "Fuck I don't know what they're doing to my brain but I think I've felt more in the past four days than I have in my entire life I don't know what to do with myself," 

"Just feel them," Emile mutters "Process them, enjoy them even when they're hard, feeling is a wonderful thing," 

"You sound like Roman," They both laugh a little "But you're right," Remy sighs but that smile just can't leave his face despite how completely and _utterly_ fearful he is of all these different emotions, _real_ emotions and not the store bought edition he'd been fronting for most of his life. "I'm so glad I have you," He's never loved someone like he loves Emile, and somehow he just knows that the other Witch will never hurt him; he'd spent to long patching him up for that. More importantly, he'd never been loved like Emile loves him, always there when needed and most times before Remy even knows when he needs him. Always three steps behind to catch him if he falls, and helping him and _caring_ for him. For the past ten years Remy had been trying to figure out what would make him happy and he knows finally, _now,_ that it would always have been Emile.

He just needed a little help to get there.

So things aren't perfect or ideal or wonderful, but he at least knows what he needs to do now. That's a good enough start for all of them. 


End file.
